For many years, I did not feel grief over my abortion. Because I stuffed my feelings, I eventually found myself living in a perpetual state of emotional numbness. We say “time heals all wounds” but if our wounds are never tended to, time only buries the pain deeper. In Worthy of Love Chapter 3, I come face-to-face with the truth: my pregnancy was a child and I let my child die…and she died without a name.
Chapter 3: The Crossroads
My child became one of the countless, faceless, nameless whose numbers only God could grasp. But one day, God helped me see the truth…No accusations. No condemnation. Just the overwhelming nearness of a tender, loving God.
Standing at the crossroads where my grief merged with God’s forgiveness, I understood for the first time that God did not want me to condemn myself forever for what I had done. The abortion was an undeniable tragedy. It left one dead and another wounded. Nothing I do can ever change that. Yet, in God’s infinite mercy, He showed me there is something, one thing, I can still do: I can give my child a name.
If you had asked me five or ten years after the abortion how I felt about it, I would have said, “I’m fine. I don’t really think much about it.” And I would have been telling the truth. But it wouldn’t have been the whole truth. I had hidden the pain so deep, only God would be able to help me see it-and to realize the damage it was causing in my heart and soul. When we sin, we may feel paralyzed by guilt or refuse to feel anything at all; however, both positions keep us separated from the God who loves us. He knows our hurts and wants to meet us at The Crossroads—a place where God’s forgiveness intersects our grief over sin—the place where healing begins.
Two years ago, I wrote a psalm-styled poem called “A Mother’s Lament” revealing the raw heartbreak of abortion…and the hope that only comes from God. It has inspired many and serves as the introduction to my book, Worthy of Love. Watch the 3.5min video.
“He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed.” 1 Peter 2:24
Shadia serves on the Board of Directors for RealOptions Pregnancy Centers, holds a BA in Psychology, MA in Criminal Justice, and is currently completing a Masters of Biblical and Theological Studies at Western Seminary. For more information, please visit www.beautifulvoice.org.